Am I responsible for my friend’s HIV infection, addiction and death?

Am I responsible for my friend’s HIV infection, addiction and death?

By: Aaron M. Laxton- Writer, Blogger and Activist

Do we have an obligation to intervene when our friends are engaging in behaviors that are dangerous and potentially deadly? Some of my closest friends and peers are shooting, snorting, and sleeping their way to potential HIV infection and eventually death.  Am I responsible through inaction for their ultimate demise? We have all seen the commercials that teach us to stop a person who has been drinking from getting behind the wheel of a vehicle, however why do we not do the same thing for other dangerous actions?  If we expect to turn the tide of new infections as well as the death of our generation by way of addiction to drugs such as crystal meth and heroin, then it is time that we start to have REAL conversations with each other.

 

Recently Glee fans from around the world were saddened to hear of the sudden death of the Cory Monteith, who played the lead character of Finn. Monteith made his own personal struggle with addiction public last year when he entered drug rehab for the first time.  It now appears as if Monteith’s battle with addiction to methamphetamines was still ongoing. Monteith’s death follows on the heels of Spencer Cox, world renowned AIDS Activist, who also lost his battle with addiction and only further serves to highlight the need for action.

Crystal Meth

As I travel across the United States sharing my experiences as a person living with HIV since June 6, 2011 one thing stands out to me, people are still using crystal meth.  As a recovering addict, I can tell you that during the height of my addiction I would have loved for anyone to have told me how much I was hurting myself.  What started out simply as something I would do while partying with friends soon became a major addiction that wrecked every aspect of my life, ending with my being becoming infected with HIV. I could easily have been another Monteith or Cox. My life while using meth consisted of trolling hookup sites looking for my next trick, while looking for my next fix. There were never enough tricks and there was definitely never enough meth.  Psychologically, I had devolved to state of amphetamine-psychosis, a consequence of chronic amphetamine use. Symptoms mimic those of schizophrenia and include hallucinations, hearing voices, paranoia, mental confusion, loss of time, emotional flatness, not eating, inability to sleep just to name a few.  

 Logging on to any hook-up application or websites I’m  continually amazed to see the headlines for “Party N Play”, “PNP” all code for fellow-tweakers  (a term used to describe a person who uses meth).  Bathhouses are filled with guys who are doped up on chemicals purchased from warehouse store; the actions they engage in while under the influence creates a breeding ground, no pun intended, for new HIV infection. You might ask, “How does this guy know about what goes on in my bathhouse?” My response is that I am most likely a card-carrying member of your bathhouse. I have no shame is disclosing the fact that I frequent bathhouses around the world. Regardless of what your social standing we are all equalized when we are wandering the halls of the bathhouse in a towel simply looking for our next trick. It is time for us to have the tough conversations with our friends who are dealing with addiction. 

The reality is that the bathhouses are filled with your friends who slip in after a night of partying.  You may never know about it because they believe that you would judge them. It is time to admit that you likely have at least one friend or acquaintance who is an addict, but they believe they have it under control. All addicts think that they have it under control but the truth is that addiction is in control.

Raw, Bareback Sex

We need to face it that there are two messages being told. The most prevalent and politically-correct message is that condoms need to be used each and every time that you have sex. The reality is thatthat not everyone wants to use condoms and consequently we are not wearing them, more personally… I will not wear them. The reason that no one freely admits that we are not using condoms is because we do not want to be preached at and shamed. While condoms offer protection against exposure to HIV they are just one of many tools that we have currently. If we are truly committed to reducing shame and having a conversation about reducing new HIV infections we must end the stigma surrounding unprotected sex. I will always choose to have no sex at all than to have sex with a condom.

It is time for us to have these tough conversations with each other regarding risk-reduction practices and prevention outside of simply putting a condom on. It is time to wake up and recognize that beating people over the head with the “condom” message isn’t cutting it. A better conversation to have with friends who refuse to use condoms might be whether they have heard of PrEP (Pre-exposure Prophylaxis) or what other risk-reduction practices they use.

People are going to make their own choices regardless of how you feel about it. If we are committed to changing the tide of new HIV-infections & addiction then it is time for us to start having real conversations free of judgment and stigma.  Are you responsible for your friend’s HIV infection? That is only something that you can answer. Ultimately each person is responsible for their own actions. As friends and family don’t we have a higher responsible to intervene when a person is engaging in behavior that presents a high probability of negative results such as HIV-infection and in some cases death? Without these tough conversations, how many more of our friends fall victim to addiction and risky behavior?

When your dick develops a habit…

My name is Aaron and I am an addict. I will be the first to admit that I love crystal, “tina”, Adderall… I have been clean for 459 days and counting but I will be an addict for life. Crystal use in the LGBT community and specifically in the kink community is alive and well! Recently I was alarmed while in Atlanta when I logged onto Grindr to pass time; the amount of guys looking to “Party” or “PnP” was staggering.  As a community we have to be honest that when it comes to drugs and alcohol, if it was not fun initially we would never have done it. There comes a point however when the novelty wears off and we are left with a habit, a habit that our dick had helped us develop.  

No one wakes up one day and decides that they are going to become addicted to drugs; we need to be very clear about that. A habit develops over time and before a person realizes it, they have reached rock-bottom. For some people that rock-bottom is worse than others. Whether it is slamming “tina” at the bathhouse and getting slammed or simply popping a few “addys” for a night on the town, we did it because it was fun. There was a certain amount of pleasure that came from that high. No one ever tells you though that you will always be chasing that first high, which is why an addict requires higher amounts of the drugs. Anyone who tells you that drugs were not fun in the beginning is either full of shit or they do not know what they are talking about.

Amphetamines cause a hyper-sense of sexuality that initially is alluring until most people figure out that they are up all night with a limp-dick. There is nothing worse than being awake in the wee-hours of the morning, endlessly searching “fuck-sites” such as craigslist, Recon, Scruff, Grindr and so forth… There is nothing worse than the emotion wreckage that a person is left to deal with as the drugs begin to leave their body and they start to withdrawal.  

A habit develops over time, slowly what began as something that was done socially becomes something that you do alone. You isolate yourself from everyone around you. Your work performance begins to slip. You begin to lie to cover up your usage. Through it all however you say to yourself... “It is recreational, I only do it every now and then… I have it under control.” Those are the famous last words of every addict; you are no more in control than other addicts. All addicts like to think that they are somehow different. At the end of the day however, your dick has helped you develop an addiction.

If there are things that you can only do when you are high on meth… should you be doing them?  Additionally how many of us have placed ourselves in extreme risk of HIV exposure or become infected while high on crystal meth, tina, Adderall or whatever you choose to call it. I can say that I did! Regardless of what your definition of kink is, there is only one definition of addiction. To all of my brothers out there that are currently dealing with an addiction that their dick helped them develop, I would say that there is help available. Nothing in your life is beyond repair and at least worth the effort to attempt to fix.

To others that are in our community that are turning a blind-eye to those that are actively using meth… wake the fuck up. You have an obligation to call people out! Do not simply look down at people or turn your back on them. That is how we are going to overcome the war that is raging with crystal meth. 

Murdered or Martyred: Spencer Cox's Final Contribution

Murdered or Martyred: Spencer Cox's Final Contribution
By: Aaron M. Laxton, HIV-Infected Queer Activist and Blogger

Weeks ago the status feed on my Facebook and other social media was captivated by one particular name... Spencer Cox. Throughout the days following his death activists from around the world shared stories and articles in reference to Spencer. As I opened up my email there was a plethora of condolence emails which all began something like this: "Loss of a pioneer...", most shared in what capacity the person sending the email had interacted with Spencer. 

As information regarding his drug addiction and personal struggle with post-traumatic stress became public, the world got a glimpse of the bruised and battered warrior who stood valliantly behind the armor. Spencer saturated himself in the science of HIV and is directly credited by Peter Staley, a fellow AIDS activist who was featured on "How to Survive a Plague", for saving the lives of over eight-million patients; a result of his efforts to standardize protocols which were adopted by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) which brought about the protease inhibitor.

In the plague era, Cox found himself in a time before society had a name for what is now called AIDS. It first appeared as a rare cancer seen in eleven gay men, for a time it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) and finally would become AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). Friends and lovers were falling one by one at first and over time those numbers increased to staggering, alarming rates. Although everyone wanted to believe that they would live, the reality was that while death called upon a vast majority relatively quickly, others would be left forever scarred by pain, suffering and misery. Just as with any masscre or distaster the toll of the event is long-lasting and life-changing.

Political inaction which left those living, or rather dying, with AIDS was tantamount to  goverment-sanctioned death for patients during the plague years. Cox, a genius and pioneer was sentenced to death long ago by such politicians who turned a blind eye to an entire community that was being ravished by AIDS. Although today the political climate has, to a great deal, embraced HIV/AIDS, this certainly was not the reality of the plaque era. Cox and his fellow activists directly challenged not only the New York City Hall but also the White House and almost every major establishment in Washington, D.C. A politician's disinterest and lack of desire to become involved only further motivated activists such as Cox to blaze a trail into unknown territory. 

It was the introduction of the Denver Principes which boldly proclaimed that those infected were "AIDS patients" rather than "AIDS victims" and to this end Cox was no victim at least in the short-term. In the long-term Cox was merely the tip-of-the-iceberg regarding a marginalized and disenfranchised community who was viewed by politicians as "acceptable losses". 

There are followers and then there are leaders and those abilities are as much a gift as they are an art. Spencer Cox without doubt would forever changed the landscape of AIDS in the United States and Globally. His death however also serves as one last action. An action, like any successful action, brings to light an injustice and inequality through public awareness. An action also involves the potential for personal sacrifice through arrest, detention, or in this case... Death.

Much like the images we have seen of Tibetan Monks who set themselves on fire in one final act of protest, Cox so too has made a statement. A person who had been so instrumental is reforming how those living with HIV/AIDS received medications stopped taking his own. This was the equivalent of cutting an artery and allowing it slowly bleed out. The cestation of his medications meant one thing... death would finally come for this wounded warrior. For all of the things Cox stood for, such as empirical data, quantifiable-numbers and research, it was the latent-affects of living through the plague era which proved just as detrimental as the virus.

Our understanding of the psychological and emotional damage caused as a result of surviving the plague are not well understood. How many more Spencer Cox's are out there? How many more are survivors who through their own actions hasten death through self-destructive behaviors or attitudes? An addiction to crystal meth was merely the means by way Spencer self-medicated. The addiction was only a symptom of a greater problem that is not isolated to just Spencer. A greater problem that is running rampant throughout the gay community and within the AIDS community. I myself have battled with an addiction to Crystal meth as well as other self-destructive patterns of behavior. 

Why did he survive when so many others had died? The grief and grieving that seemingly over-shadowed being alive has been hidden away as a dark secret and is not spoken of near as often as it should be within our communities. What is focused on is improved drug therapies, longer life expectancies and "normal" lives however ignoring the catastrophic and debilitating emotional wreckage in plague-era patients is a travesty and it must be stopped.

Spencer Cox's death can be viewed as a murder which was sanctioned long ago but that only recently occurred or it can be viewed as the ultimate action and political statement to decry an injustice and inequality, only you can be the judge.

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